why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
