i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
