he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
