so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
