Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
