I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry about my life...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
