i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
