I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
