My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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