I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
