Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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