After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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