we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
