We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
