U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
