Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
