he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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