Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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