well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
