She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
they're like a gay fantastic four
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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