if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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