you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize