Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize