I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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