So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize