dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
