Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
