I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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