dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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