my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
