i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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