True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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