My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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