Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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