i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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