Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
