thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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