You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
