I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize