Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
