My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
