The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
