The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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