you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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