he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
