I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
