im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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