i just wanna soil my oats bro
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
