I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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