Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
