Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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