Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
