I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
