i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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