What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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