I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize