Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
