remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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