If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
