but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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