i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
