this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
