a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
