My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
