closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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