you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
