Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
