the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
