: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
