I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
